Horny Holidays
The Ten (er, twenty) Sexiest Christmas Records
On This Page
Though I've never quite discerned the Freudian dynamics
behind it, there's a longstanding tradition among musicians linking sex and Christmas. Maybe it's the mistletoe,
maybe it's the phallic symbolism of chimneys and stockings,
maybe it's the simple desire to mock the sacred with
the profane - regardless, we've had dirty Christmas
records nearly as long as we've had Christmas records,
period. When Ben Light & His Surf Club Boys recorded
"Christmas Balls" back in 1936, they weren't
talking about decorations, and it's been a non-stop
festival of double entendres ever since.
Sometimes, the fun is relatively innocent. In "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" (first recorded by Jimmy Boyd in 1952), for instance, the Jolly Old Elf never gets past first base. Other times, the hanky panky is merely tangential to the Christmas season (c.f. "I've Got My Love To Keep Me Warm" and "Baby It's Cold Outside"). Some records are sexy despite their Christmas theme: Try to imagine a less sexy song than "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer," yet in the hands of the mighty Temptations, it becomes a monumental act of seduction. And, in the polar opposite of the songs listed below, Joe Tex's "I'll Make Everyday Christmas (For My Woman)" uses Christmas as a metaphor for a strain of romantic love bordering on the divine.
Unlikely as it seems, Santa Claus himself is the red-faced recipient of most Yule lust. Not content with a merry saint who makes reindeer fly and circumnavigates the globe in one evening, Christmas pranksters have imbued Santa with qualities ranging from hepcat cool ("Santa Done Got Hip," Marquees, 1959) to drug addiction ("Santa's Secret," Johnny Guarnieri, 1944). When it comes to love, though, Santa usually does no more than deliver an object of desire (as in Elvis Presley's "Santa Bring My Baby Back To Me"). Many times, however, Old St. Nick has become the target of carnal affections. Though she never comes right out and says so, one gets the impression in Mabel Scott's "Boogie Woogie Santa Claus" (1948) that the Fat Man does a lot more than dance. In many of the songs below, all doubt is removed.
More often than not, though, sexual passion in Christmas songs is evidenced in normal, healthy, discreet ways - the same way it is expressed in most love songs. Consider Tina Turner's 1964 reading of Charles Brown's "Merry Christmas Baby"; where the original was mellow and seductive, Tina's version is sweaty and insistent. Yet nowhere does she violate the bounds of good taste, and the listener is left to infer the sex, not to observe it.
The songs chosen here (a top 10, plus 10 honorable mentions - sloppy seconds, if you will), however, are unapologetically naughty - dirty, bawdy, raunchy, ribald, randy - and sometimes shockingly explicit. All the holy sentiments of the season are pissed on (or worse) with wicked glee, and I suspect we're better off for it: sacred cows, after all, were made to be butchered. Moreover, very few of these songs are truly malicious or mean-spirited, and most document sexual congress between consenting (if inebriated) adults. So strap on some Christmas spirit and prepare for an orgy of holiday cheer. Got a horny favorite? Drop me a line...
Randy Anthony
Ten Sexiest Christmas Tunes
- Back Door Santa, Clarence Carter (Atlantic, 1968)
Mixing the sacred and profane has long been a tradition in Black music, and salacious Christmas records extend as far back as the late 1930s, when Ben Light & His Surf Club Boys thrust their "Christmas Balls" into public view. The double entendre reached its pinnacle, though, when Clarence Carter committed "Back Door Santa" to vinyl, first as a 45, then on the superb Atco LP, Soul Christmas.
Dirty jokes and leering asides are scattered throughout, but the lyrical ringer (notwithstanding the anally-fixated title) has to be Carter's assertion that, "I ain't like old St. Nick, he don't come but once a year." Carter plays the role of sexy Santa, bringing his presents to "all the little girls" whose boys aren't taking care of bizness at home. Clarence judiciously leaves the back door open for quick getaways, because "wouldn't ol' Santa be in trouble if there ain't no chimney in the house?" Not incidentally, the record is a sizzling slab of southern soul. Unforgettable! [back to list] [learn more]
- Trim Your Tree, Jimmy Butler (Gem, 1954)
Over the years, many, many songs have drawn a connection between sex and Christmas. None, however, makes that connection more explicit than Jimmy Butler's extended double entendre, "Trim Your Tree." A spirited jump blues, the song distinguishes itself mainly on lyrical content and Butler's lascivious, leering vocal. To say nothing of the many uses of the word "trim," Butler reveals hidden, dirty meanings in virtually every common Christmas image, climaxing with his pledge to "sprinkle my snow" upon his unsuspecting paramour's evergreen. With more recent songs like Snoop Dogg's "'Twas The Night Before Christmas" ("The children were snuggled up, sleeping in bed, my bitch on my jock giving holiday head"), the level of discourse became much more explicit, making "Trim Your Tree" (and similar songs from the mid-50's like the Midnighters' "Work With Me Annie" or the Dominos' "Sixty Minute Man") sound almost quaint by modern standards. I would argue, though, that by standards of the time, "Trim Your Tree" was dirtier by far, and it probably raised much more than eyebrows back in the day.
Jimmy Butler was a blues singer about whom we know nothing, and "Trim Your Tree" was released by Gem Records, a New York indie label. Butler was backed by the Blues Express Orchestra, which featured saxophonist Freddie Mitchell and seems to have been the Gem house band. Gem doesn't appear to have been a subsidiary of Savoy Records, a much larger New York indie, but their small catalog ended up in Savoy's holdings, and "Trim Your Tree" is a centerpiece of Savoy's Christmas Blues, which has been issued in a variety of formats over the years (read about it). The saucy song shows up frequently on Christmas blues compilations, including Document's Blues, Blues Christmas (2005), Richard Weize Archive's Boogie Woogie Santa Claus: An R&B Christmas (2017), and Bear Family's Get Ready For A Groovy And Bluesy Christmas (2024). [back to list] [learn more]
- Santa Baby, Eartha Kitt (RCA Victor, 1953)
When Madonna revived "Santa Baby" on the first Very Special Christmas album back in 1987, I hadn't yet heard Eartha Kitt's high-octane 1953 original. In fact, though the song was the biggest hit of Kitt's career, reaching #4 on Billboard's Hot 100, it had largely been forgotten. Ostensibly, "Santa Baby" is just pillow talk between a promiscuous gold digger and her sugar daddy. If he comes through with the goods (furs, cars, jewelry), she'll let him "hurry down the chimney." But, my goodness - where Madonna merely teases (in fact, teeters on the edge of parody), the sultry Ms. Kitt positively smolders with honest sexual promise. "Santa Baby" succeeds not just because it imbues Christmas with an all-but-explicit sexuality, but because it unflinchingly ties that sex to money. The listener is offered alternate perceptions: They can hear the song as a naughty trifle, or they can interpret it as a profound commentary on the corrupt nature of the holiday. Either way, it works.
Since Madonna's high-profile cover, Eartha Kitt's original RCA recording of "Santa Baby" has gone from rare to commonplace. Rhino's excellent Hipsters' Holiday and utilitarian Billboard Greatest Christmas Hits 1935-1954 were the first of many Christmas collections to include it, and it's usually found on albums like The Essential Eartha Kitt. But, it's worth noting that two associated songs remain quite rare. In 1954, Kitt recorded a sequel, "(This Year's) Santa Baby," and in 1960 she remade the original song on Revisited, her first album for her new label, Kapp Records. The former can be found on Bear Family's Big City Christmas, while the latter was collected on MCA's The Best Of Eartha Kitt. All three songs can be found on Bear Family's comprehensive Eartha-Quake, a five-disc boxed set.
Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't mention Pearl Bailey's "Five Pound Box Of Money," a money-grubbing yule tune from 1959 modeled on Kitt's hit. Pearl was just as greedy as Eartha but not nearly as horny, so she comes in a close second in the contest to be Kris Kringle's concubine. It can also be found on Hipsters' Holiday, while the Roulette collection, Christmas Past, includes both "Five Pound Box Of Money" and its spicy flipside, "Jingle Bells Cha-Cha-Cha" (read about it). [back to list]
- Let's Make Christmas Merry Baby, Amos Milburn (Aladdin, 1949)
Jovial Amos Milburn liked to party, and it showed on classics like "One Scotch, One Bourbon, One Beer," "Chicken Shack Boogie," and "Let's Rock A While." So, while his blues brothers usually spent their Christmas season bemoaning their lack of love or sustenance, Amos always had the best of times. Addressing his lover in "Let's Make Christmas Merry Baby," Milburn pleads with her to "let me be your Santa Claus." To wit, he'll "slide down your chimney and fill your stocking full of toys." Sounds innocent enough (yeah, right), but when he offered a "ride on my reindeer," his proposal began to sound like more than just good clean fun. "I'll rock you in my cradle," he promises, "yes, we'll make them joy bells ring" (nudge, wink). By the time he recorded "Christmas (Comes But Once A Year)," a sequel of sorts, in 1960, Milburn had a house full of children (small wonder), but his mood remained almost as generous. "It'll take the next six months to pay these bills," he frets, "but I don't care, Christmas comes but once a year" - mercifully, his wife probably exclaimed!
"Let's Make Christmas Merry Baby" was first released in 1949 as an Aladdin Records 78-rpm single, and it went all the way to #3 on the R&B charts. Formally speaking, it was credited to Amos Milburn & His Aladdin Chicken-Shackers. Aladdin was later sold many times over and is now part of music behemoth Universal - so it's relatively easy to track down. It appears on a number of excellent Christmas compilations, starting with the foundational Rhythm & Blues Christmas (1976) and continuing with Legends Of Christmas Past (1992), Jingle Blues (1998), and Boogie Woogie Santa Claus: An R&B Christmas (2017). It is also included on most collections of Milburn's Aladdin recordings, including Blues, Barrelhouse & Boogie Woogie: The Best Of Amos Milburn 1946-1955 (1996).
- Homo Christmas, Pansy Division (Lookout, 1992)
As one of the first openly gay punk bands, San Francisco's Pansy Division practically invented queercore, and their songs were often militant, humorous, or both. Pansy Division's nail-on-the-head holiday anthem "Homo Christmas" couldn't be louder or prouder of its sexual proclivities - or more explicit in its desires. The song is addressed to a youngster who, like many gay men, struggles for acceptance. "Your family won't give you encouragement," singer Jon Ginoli warbles, so "let me give you sexual nourishment." That's as dignified as it gets, as the rest of the song finds Ginoli and his musical boy toy "licking nipples, licking nuts, putting candy canes up each other's butts." The singer commiserates, "You'll probably get sweaters, underwear, and socks, but what you really want for Christmas is a nice hard cock." Christmas is about getting what one wants, and my guess is that Ginoli will grant his lover's wish - several times.
"Homo Christmas" is from Pansy Division's 1992 debut Lookout 7-inch EP, Fem In A Black Leather Jacket, and it later appeared on Rhino's Punk Rock Christmas (1995) and the band's Essential Pansy Division (2006).
- C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S, Yobs (Safari, 1980)
I'll refer you to my discussion of their Christmas Album for greater detail, but the Yobs were a pseudonym for the Boys, an early English punk band. Never a font of maturity and wisdom, the Yobs reached new depths of puerile humor with "C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S," and the world was better for it. In my extensive collection of music, I can think of no song more filthy, more disgusting, or more perfect in its utter depravity. One by one, the singer ticks off the nine letters of Christmas, each character of the alphabet representing a body part, sexual act, or venereal disease that made his recent holiday romance particularly memorable and unpleasant. "Christmas comes but once a year," our hapless adventurer concludes with relief, noting wryly, "It makes me fucking sick!" The band caps the sordid affair with a perverted chorus of "Ding Dong! Merrily On High," and, finally, all is calm (though hardly bright).
About half the songs on Christmas Album were released as singles between 1977 and 1979, and then the LP was released by Safari Records in 1980. The album's been reissued several times in the intervening decades, but I'd argue it reached its debauched apotheosis when reissued in 2000 on compact disc (and later for download and streaming) by English punk specialist Captain Oi! It swelled (ahem) to 21 tracks, including a number of non-LP rarities. And, by the way, the Yobs released several more volumes of crass carols, but Christmas Album is the only one you really neeed. I have them all... [back to list] [learn more]
- Santa Claus
Is Coming To My House, Karla DeVito, (Epic, 1982)
Karla DeVito was cute as a bug and possessed a voice the size of a house when she emerged fully formed on an unsuspecting pop scene in the early 80's. Sadly, the world proved unready for a brash, quirky, diminutive howler from New York City. That would all change when Cyndi Lauper broke large just a few years later - doing largely the same shtick - but Karla DeVito's recorded output would slow to a trickle after a brief period of notoriety. She recorded just two albums, served a stint in Broadway's Pirates Of Penzance, and, perhaps most famously, stood in for singer Ellen Foley, Meatloaf's fiesty foil in "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" - both on tour and in the video.
Karla Devito's debut LP, Is This A Cool World Or What? (1981), was a brilliant pastiche of new wave rockers, big-hair ballads, and theatrical melodramas - a lost classic, in my mind, at least. "Santa Claus Is Coming To My House" was released the following year as a non-LP single, and it threw yet another style into the musical blender - jump blues. Written and produced by DeVito and her husband, actor Robbie Benson, "Santa Claus" was an irresistible flute of bubbly camp. The song tells a sexually-charged tale with a surprise ending worthy of O. Henry.
Claiming she's been nice (but sounding very naughty), Karla confesses, "Even though it wouldn't be right, I want Santa Claus to come and stay all night!" The sassy Ms. DeVito tries to seduce ol' Santa ("Put down your bags and kiss me!"), only to have him counter propose, "Karla, let's trade gigs for a day!" Santa Claus wants Karla to deliver toys so he can jam with her band - which he proceeds to do with much abandon. So, while Santa toots his own horn at Karla's house, she grabs "the keys to his sleigh," and now Karla's coming to your house - lucky you! It's an unforgettable performance, but it's lost to the ages - never reissued in the digital age and long out-of-print. [back to list]
- That Punchbowl Full Of Joy, Sonny Columbus & His Del Fuegos (Boston Rock, 1983)
"That Punchbowl Full Of Joy" is a paean to drunken debauchery and the only original song on the rare and wonderful EP, A Boston Rock Christmas (1983). Sonny Columbus was the stage name of one James Ryan, who was originally from Columbus, Ohio. He was best known for playing in another Beantown band, the Swinging Erudites, who were a lounge revival act before there even was such a thing, and his day gig was running Hoodoo Barbecue, a legendary musician's hangout. He was characterized at the time as a "deranged and highly active alcoholic," and that's not hard to believe given the horny inebriation that gleefully fills his "Punchbowl" to the brim.
Sonny envisions no less than "a million women by the mistletoe, lined up and ready to go," and he sounds capable of servicing every single one - despite the fact that he refers to his penis as "Tiny Tim." Blasphemous Christmas puns (logs, balls, stockings) abound - jiving perfectly with the Del Fuegos' salacious bump-and-grind. While Columbus admits, "I'm not a big religion fan," he insists, "little Jesus, well, he's my man!" As if to prove his point, he promises, "I'll bring you back down to my manger, because at Christmas time no one's a stranger." Wow - someone's gonna fry for this one!
Sadly, A Boston Rock Christmas has never been reissued in any digital format, but "That Punchbowl Full Of Joy" has been - barely. It was included on Ho Ho Ho Spice: A Hospice Awareness And Benefit Project, a poorly distributed, long out-of-print 2002 benefit album. Finally, it's worth noting that about half the Del Fuegos also worked at Hoodoo Barbecue, and "Punchbowl Full Of Joy" is among their earliest recordings. Within a year, they would sign up with Slash Records (distributed by Warner Brothers) and release their amazing debut, The Longest Day. The band would go on to become one of the best-known alternative rock acts of the 1980's, though they broke up before the decade closed. [back to list]
- I'll Be Your Santa Baby, Rufus Thomas (Stax, 1973)
Whereas his daughter, Carla, usually worked a smooth, sultry groove, Memphis soul man Rufus Thomas was always loud, proud, and funky - and frequently comical. All four characteristics are abundantly evident on "I'll Be Your Santa Baby," a bawdy workout released as a Stax single in 1973. As the horns mockingly toot Christmas carols and the band lays down a dirty backbeat, Rufus hollers "Here comes Santa Claus," giving the distinct impression he ain't talking 'bout no sleigh ride. Sexual innuendo abounds throughout, beginning with this deathless verse: "I'll slide down your chimney and bring you lots of joy, what I got for you, mama, it ain't just a toy." From there, Rufus makes a sly (and rare, in the phallocentric pop world) reference to the clitoris: "This Christmas you'll remember, I'll make sure of that, 'cause this Christmas, mama, I showed you where it was at!" Thomas, actually, seems almost as concerned with duration as he is with the performance itself: "When the New Year rolls around, you'll still be askin' for more," and Rufus won't quit till the job is done - "till 1984," actually. Now that's staying power!
"I'll Be Your Santa Baby" was first compiled on Stax's It's Christmas Time Again (1982), which claims in its liner notes that the song was previously unreleased. It was not. Subsequently, it's shown up frequently on albums like Christmas In Soulsville (2007) and Christmas A Go-Go (2008), as well as The Complete Stax/Volt Singles Vol. 3: 1972-1975 (1994). The single's original b-side, the infinitely more gentle "That Makes Christmas Day," first popped back up on Christmas In Soulsville billed as a duet between Rufus and Carla. It's not, really, but they did write the song together, and that's probably Carla singing background vocals. The Soulsville master, by the way, is nearly a full minute longer than the original 45 version, which can be found on The Complete Stax/Volt Singles Vol. 4 (2018). [back to list] [learn more]
- Santa
Claus Is Back In Town, Elvis Presley (RCA, 1957)
The controversy that swirled around Elvis during his halcyon "Pelvis" days was largely trumped up, racist crap. Elvis (and rock 'n' roll in general) mixed black and white together in heretofore forbidden ways, which made the sexual frenzy he stirred in young girls more a threat to the segregationist status quo than to the morality of teenaged America. "Santa Claus Is Back In Town," however, was one instance where all the King's critics were dead right. Elvis's performance is pure sex - bumping, grinding, sweaty, sinful sex - dropped right into the middle of the holiest of days.
Written expressly for Elvis by Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller, "Santa Claus Is Back In Town" comes across as an inside joke, a virtual burlesque of the blues they (and Elvis) loved. That doesn't mean the record doesn't smoke; it is, in fact, one of Elvis' most fiery blues, and it reveals his ability to take silly or mundane material and turn it into solid gold (a talent that would serve him well throughout the sixties). Most of the sexual energy is in Elvis' growling, libidinous vocals and the striptease frenzy of his band (especially drummer D.J. Fontana). The ringer, however, arrives near the song's conclusion with this unabashed couplet: "Hang up your pretty stockings and put out the light, Santa Claus is coming down your chimney tonight!"
"Santa Claus Is Back In Town" was originally released on the wonderful 1957 LP, Elvis Christmas Album, that also includes the delightful "Santa Bring My Baby Back To Me" and the popular "Blue Christmas." It has been included on several fine Elvis Christmas compilations starting with If Every Day Was Like Christmas (1994). [back to list] [learn more]
Honorable Mention
- Santa
Claus Got Stuck In My Chimney, Ella Fitzgerald (Decca, 1950)
For many years, "Santa Claus Got Stuck (In My Chimney)" was a song about which I'd only read - never heard. Ella's gynecological Yuletide misadventure was, by all accounts, pretty filthy - so much so that Fitzgerald and her attorneys successfully blocked its reissue for years. Only after her death in 1996 did "Santa Claus Got Stuck In My Chimney" start to show up on CD - including Verve's excellent compilation of Christmas jazz and blues, Yule Be Miserable (2003) - though it had been circulating in the European public domain for a while.
And, it was worth the wait! There's something about Ella's girlish coo (or maybe it's just my filthy mind) that turns this simple and innocent song into an orgy of innuendo. Santa, who is "fat and round," got wedged in the poor singer's "chimney" (heh heh) when he came (heh heh) last year. But, she had such a good time (one assumes he stayed in there a while) that she invites him to "come back to her chimney" the following year. Ella sings the song, in fact, with such an absence of guile that I have to wonder if the songwriters (William Hardy and Billy Moore) didn't pull one over on her. Fitzgerald, though, was a grown woman in her 30's when she waxed this cunt-centric classic in 1950, and I suspect her chagrin was merely a matter of convenience as she moved into the mainstream during the coming years.
- Santa
Claus Wants Some Lovin', Albert King (Stax, 1974)
Many Christmas songs have blended the sacred and profane, creating a sexual feast where once there was just turkey and cranberry sauce. But, no yuletide lothario has ever been quite as blunt as bluesman Albert King in his 1974 single, "Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin'." His sensuous guitar lines are but a harbinger of the hardcore jollies King hopes to unleash as he all but demands satisfaction. Tough luck, though, as he complains, "I ain't had no lovin' and it's worrying me!" The cause? Albert and his woman are preoccupied with holiday preparations. He is "trying to fix this ol' bicycle" while "Mama's in the kitchen cooking." So, he plans to make his move before "Mama... gets that sleep in her eyes." True, "Christmas is for children," but King wants his wife to "make her Pappy happy... before the children wake." Sounds reasonable enough, but a good guitar solo is all the pleasure Albert receives before the record fades. Sadly, Santa Claus won't be coming tonight...
"Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin'" was released as a non-LP Stax single in 1974, about a year before the label was forced into bankruptcy. Not too surprisingly, King's horny masterstroke sank like a stone, and it wouldn't see the light of day until 1982, when the label - by then wholly owned by Fantasy Records - compiled It's Christmas Time Again. That album also contained a previously unreleased version of the song by its author, Mack Rice, probably recorded in 1972. Finally, be aware that King's recording exists in both a three-minute single edit and a four-minute album version. Most compilations use the stereo album version, including It's Christmas Time Again and Christmas In Soulsville (2007). The mono single version can be found on The Complete Stax/Volt Singles Vol. 3: 1972-1975 (1994) and The Definitive Albert King On Stax (2012). In 2023, a stereo single version finally popped up on Stax Christmas. [back to list] [learn more]
- Dear
Santa (Bring Me A Man This Christmas), Weather Girls
(Columbia, 1983)
Known as Two Tons O' Fun when they served as backup singers for gay icon Sylvester, the happily zaftig Weather Girls (Martha Wash and Izora Rhodes) played a prominent role in the outing of Queer music - both with this horny holiday hit and with "It's Raining Men" (1982), an anthem of the final few, giddy moments before AIDS hysteria put a damper on no-holds-barred gay sex. The brief success of the Weather Girls also coincided with the sudden transformation of disco music from mainstream obsession to cult phenomenon (it went back in the closet, you might say). Regardless, disco is undeniably what "Dear Santa (Bring Me A Man This Christmas)" is. After a minute or so of rhapsodic introduction, the beat kicks in and the man-chasing commences. Like the best gay anthems, though, "Dear Santa" swings both ways. When Martha Wash - pleading with Santa for a little satisfaction - sings "look at me, I'm on my knees," the gay audience heard validation of their sexual habits, where the rest of us just thought she was begging.
Written by Paul Shaffer (soon to be David Letterman's bandleader) and producer Paul Jabara, "Dear Santa" was taken from the Weather Girls' Columbia album Success (1983) and issued as both a 7- and 12-inch single. Sadly, it did not chart, but it's been spicing up my holidays ever since. For many years, it was seldom included on Christmas compilations, but it usually shows up alongside "It's Raining Men" on Weather Girls' collections like Super Hits (2000), and it's become pretty common in the annual wave of European holiday hits packages. Martha Wash, by the way, went on to sing some of the biggest dance hits of the 90's, including Black Box's "Everybody Everybody" and C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat Now" - often uncredited - before striking out on a solo career. [back to list]
- Gotta
Get Lucky For Xmas, Johnny Rabb (Midnight, 1984)
A neo-rockabilly gem from Midnight Records' Midnight Christmas Mess series, "Gotta Get Lucky For Christmas" finds the otherwise obscure Johnny Rabb channeling early Elvis Presley while hunting down the elusive poontang. This is by-the-numbers (though extremely spirited) roots rock distinguished largely by Johnny's panting sexual need. And, for our purposes, that's enough.
"Lucky For Christmas" was written by Rabb with guitarist Eddie Angel and first released as the b-side of "Christmas Dance," with both songs soon appearing on the first volume of the Christmas Mess series. Later, Rabb and Angel would play together in the Neanderthals, a late 90's garage band, and then Angel would join Los Straitjackets. It's more than worth noting that the Christmas Mess series (read about it) is an underheralded milestone in the development of modern Christmas rock, and its songs are replete with depravity - though not always of the sexual kind.
- Dear
Mr. Claus, Paul Revere & The Raiders (Columbia, 1967)
From a certain perspective, "Dear Mr. Claus" is a fairly innocent song. "It's getting very lonely here at home," Raiders singer Mark Lindsay writes to Santa, imploring him to bring him "a special someone." As the song wears on, getting more creepy with each bar, Lindsay's "real live doll" starts to sound more like the blow-up kind. In the end - wherein he puts said doll to work as a housekeeper - we're left to wonder if this isn't some kind of perverted "Stepford Wives" sci-fi fantasy. Cool!
The song is found on the Raiders' 1967 album A Christmas Present... And Past, which is a very unusual record in a couple of ways. First, it's one of only a few Christmas albums by a major rock group recorded during the 60's and 70's when such things were considered outré and unhip. Second, it is a very weird record - not only out-of-step with the times, but out of character with the Raiders' usual garage pop sensibilities. All the same, A Christmas Present is oddly entertaining and often amusing, with "Dear Mr. Claus" at its demented heart. By the way, it's worth noting that two contemporaries of the Raiders previously recorded very similar Christmas songs: the Crossfires' "Living Doll" (1963) and the Trashmen's "Real Live Doll" (1964).
- Christmas Spirits, Julia Lee & Her Boy Friends (Capitol,
1948)
Walking a fine line between jazz and blues, Julia Lee & Her Boy Friends recorded one of the finest of innumerable variations on the timeless theme of having the blues - and feeling horny - at Christmas time. "Christmas Spirits," their ribald 1948 classic for Capitol Records, begins with the band creating raucous party noises, but then Lee enters with the most abject of lines. "Christmas spirits all around me, but I just don't feel a thing," she insists, but the raw, unrequited sexual need (and bawdy humor) Lee injects into her understated performance is remarkable. Aware that Santa can't bring her what she needs most (wink, wink), she resorts to flirting with the Fat Man himself. "I could go for your long" (pausing wickedly) "whiskers," she purrs, then invites Santa to drop by when his work is done. Christmas might not be so blue after all!
In her day, and particularly in her hometown of Kansas City, Julia Lee was a popular and versatile pianist and vocalist who specialized in risqué songs like "Christmas Spirits." She is best remembered for her skills with the sexual double entendre, including songs like "Snatch and Grab It" (1947), "King Size Papa" (1948), and "My Man Stands Out" (1950) recorded during her tenure for Capitol from 1944 to 1952. "Christmas Spirits" was recorded in 1947, but not released until 1948, and it charted in early 1949, peaking at #14 on Billboard's R&B chart. Lee's Boy Friends on this session included stellar saxman Benny Carter and trombonist Vic Dickenson, whose sultry solo is a sleazy highlight.
"Christmas Spirits" has been anthologized many times, starting with Rhino's Hipsters' Holiday: Vocal Jazz And R&B Classics (1989) and EMI's Christmas Kisses: Christmas Classics From Capitol's Early Years (1990). Note that the title is sometimes listed as "Christmas Spirit" and "Christmas Blues" (though neither is correct), and the band's name is often spelled the modern way, Boyfriends. [back to list]
- I'd Like
You For Christmas, Julie London (Liberty, 1957)
Similar to her entry in my Valentine's Day section, I spotlighted Julie London's "I'd Like You For Christmas" in my Horny Holidays list not so much for how good the song, but because of the singer's own otherworldly sexiness. I mean, it's a fine song written by her lucky husband, Bobby Troup, performed in London's typical style. And, the song ain't dirty, but Julie makes you think it is. Her voice barely above a whisper, she purrs, "I'd like you for Christmas," and deep in my loins, I believe her. It's nearly pornographic. Maybe it's just me, but, as Brian Doyle-Murray once exclaimed, "Boy, I'd like to fuck her!"
"I'd Like You For Christmas" can be found on Merry Christmas Baby, one of a loose series of compilations by Capitol Records - all with sexier cover art than track listings. London contributes a sensual "Warm December" to Let It Snow later in the series, and her rare "I've Got My Love To Keep Me Warm" is a highlight of Capitol's Ultra-Lounge Christmas Cocktails 3.
- Mr. &
Mrs. Santa Claus, George Jones & Tammy Wynette
(Epic, 1973)
George Jones and Tammy Wynette had an infamously tempestuous relationship, but everything seemed hunky dory on "Mr. & Mrs. Santa Claus," a corny little single from 1973. It's sexually explicit in that sweet and coy (but gross) way common in country music in the 1970's - think of Conway Twitty's "You've Never Been This Far Before," Mac Davis' "Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me," or Charlie Rich's "Behind Closed Doors."
Anyway, George and Tammy have finished all their holiday preparations: The kids are tucked in and the fire's still burning, so George insists with a leer, "It's time to think about you and me." Their pet names for each other are "Mr. & Mrs. Santa Claus," and I keep receiving unsavory images of George running after Tammy dressed in only his jockey shorts and a fake Santa beard. Earlier in his career, Jones recorded a variation on "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" ("My Mom And Santa Claus," 1962), and I imagine that's where his Santa fetish began. Ewww! God bless Tammy for putting up with him as long as she did.
"Mr. & Mrs. Santa Claus" was first issued as an Epic single, which disappeared without a trace. I discovered it on Christmas Party With Eddie G. (1990), a collection of strange and cool holiday songs compiled by legendary record collector Eddie Gorodetsky. Much later, it was compiled on George Jones and Tammy Wynette's Classic Christmas Album (2013), which includes solo and duet performances.
- Christmas
Wrapping, Waitresses (Ze, 1981)
By the early 80's, it was OK to be a nerd (thank you, David Byrne). The Waitresses made something of a career out of exploring the lives of nerds, first with the theme of Square Pegs, a short-lived sitcom, then with "I Know What Boys Like," a sneering portrayal of the ultimate nerd (a horny male) as told by a woman (or prick tease, depending on one's perspective). "Christmas Wrapping" fits this theory as well, only this time the insecure party is female and the story turns out well.
For the protagonist in the "Christmas Wrapping," the holy season was just an excuse to get laid. Employing a charming pseudo-rap style (think Blondie-meets-Tom Tom Club), singer Patty Donahue begins with a resounding "Bah humbug!" After a year of missed romantic opportunities, though, she runs into "that guy I've been chasing all year" while doing some last-minute shopping."Christmas magic's brought this tale to a very happy ending," she effuses, not unlike those Revenge Of The Nerds movies. It sounds like her stocking is going to get stuffed!
"Christmas Wrapping" was the most popular song from ZE Records' A Christmas Record, a very hip 1981 LP that's only been reissued on CD overseas, though it's widely available for download and streaming. However, the song often shows up on compilations like The Edge Of Christmas and is included on the group's fine Best Of The Waitresses. In 1982, "Christmas Wrapping" was issued as a 12-inch single, and this later showed up online, including the unhinged non-LP b-side, "Hangover 1/1/83." [back to list] [learn more]
- Santa
Claus, Sonny Boy Williamson (Chess, 1960)
Recorded in 1960 but unissued for many years, Sonny Boy Williamson's lecherous single "Santa Claus" was probably just too twisted for release in the pre-psychedelic era. Vamping to a funky "Fannie Mae" beat, Sonny Boy (aka Rice Miller) improvises endless variations around a theme of "looking in my baby's dresser drawers." Ostensibly, he's up to nothing more naughty than trying to find out what his baby bought him for Christmas. He's looking for his "Santa Claus," a dialectical euphemism for Christmas present. But, Sonny Boy makes it sound like much, much more. Soon, the landlady shows up, gets mad, and "calls the law." The police demand to know what he's up to, but Sonny Boy plays it cool. Not yet satisfied, he walks out on the street and commences "pulling out all the ladies' dresser drawers." Impressive.
"Santa Claus" was first released on Williamson's Chess LP, Bummer Road (1969). It was later compiled on The Essential Sonny Boy Williamson (1993), as well as Rhino's Blue Yule: Christmas Blues And R&B Classics (1991) and Universal's The Best Of Blues: The Christmas Collection (2003), one of their endless "20th Century Masters" series.
Late Breaking News
- I've Got Some Presents For Santa, Sarah Taylor & Billy Mumy (Rhino, 1994)
"I've Got Some Presents For Santa" is a titillating tune written, played, and produced by Billy Mumy, best known as earnest Will Robinson from the oft-parodied 60's sci-fi TV show, Lost In Space. In the 70's, young Master Mumy formed Barnes & Barnes, the bizarre duo (in)famous for "Fish Heads," a song in regular rotation during the early days of MTV (when they had little else to play) and on Dr. Demento's syndicated radio show.
Much later, Mumy collaborated with otherwise obscure vocalist Sarah Taylor on "I've Got Some Presents For Santa," which was played on the Demento show as early as 1991 under the billing of Barnes & Nibbles, but was not commercially released until 1994. A smooth, smokey ballad, "Presents" manages to check off just about every sexual metaphor in the rich Christmas catalogue. Santa squeezes his big North Pole down Sarah's hot chimney - and that's just where the fun begins. Unfortunately, Mumy's b-side, "Holiday Affair," demonstrates the fine line between ribald and puerile, falling flat while using much the same cheeky conventions as "Presents For Santa."
Rhino released the song as a CD single, which quickly fell out of print, and later reissued it for download and streaming. It has never been anthologized on a Christmas album. However, a 1992 live version by Mumy's band, the Jenerators, can be found on the 2000 compilation Mark & Brian: Little Drummer Boys, a benefit album compiled by the morning team on Los Angeles FM radio station KLOS.
Postscript
Most of these songs were recorded before the digital age, and all of them were recorded before the advent of online streaming. Moreover, in the old days, foul-mouthed smut like these records couldn't be played on the radio. All that has changed, and these days sexually explicit Christmas songs are a dime a dozen. The world is better for it, but I've restricted myself to songs recorded and released when the prevailing standards forbid such naughty behavior.
Finally, a couple of footnotes. Yes, I know that Mojo Nixon recorded an album called Horny Holidays (1992). It was a puerile piece of crap, and I hereby reclaim the title for people of good taste and prurient desires. And, concerning the Kay Martin album pictured up top, almost everything I know about it I learned from the Christmas Yuleblog. Featuring ditties like "Hang Your Balls On The Xmas Tree" and "Santa's Doing The Horizontal Twist," the 1962 release was a fairly tepid (if titillating) musical comedy affair. Cool cover, though, huh? That scantily clad lady is a model, by the way, and not Kay Martin.